Yesterday you were a vacuum bag salesman in South
Piddleville. Today you're the Vacuum Bag King of
the Internet!
And me? I'm your customer. Maybe.
The Through-A-Goose School of Internet Marketing
holds that certain e-commerce websites would be
better off streamlining their designs so they can
fast-track visitors through the sales process and
send them on their way rather than befuddling them
with a dizzying array of branding gimmicks and
sticky-site gadgets... and sending them on their
way.
Once you're in a goose's system, the thinking
goes, there's only one way out. There are no
options or choices, no weighty decisions, no wrong
turns, no time for doubt, no chance of error. In
and out. Zip zam zooey.
A goosed website should be just as slick. The
process should be so smooth and fast that the
actual purchase practically precedes the decision
to purchase.
In this light, here are ten thoughts about your
vacuum bag website that threaten to keep our
relationship from blossoming into a completed
transaction:
---
1. OVER-STRETCHED METAPHORS
It's not ~really~ a mall or a store or even a
kiosk. If anything, it's an interactive brochure.
If it starts talking or playing music, I get
scared and run away. And that off-the-shelf flash
intro doesn't really get my vacuum bag juices
flowing either.
---
2. OFF-TOPIC BET-HEDGING
Do I follow that online casino banner after I buy
my vacuum bags? Or shall I risk blowing my entire
twelve dollar vacuum bag budget there?
---
3. OOZING NEEDINESS
You seem a little too happy to see me. I'm worried
that if I buy something from you, you'll invite me
home for supper with the wife and kids. That's more
commitment than I care to make for vacuum bags.
---
4. RABID INFO-SUCK
You're assaulting me with pop-up windows because
you want my email address so you can inform me
when you make changes to your vacuum bag website.
Do I have that right?
---
5. LIMP USP
Google informs me that I can buy vacuum bags from
any of one hundred eighty-three thousand, six
hundred and seventy-five sites. Your Unique
Selling Proposition is why I'm gonna pick yours.
If your USP is a Free Vacuum Bag Industry Update
Newsletter, then maybe I'll click over to one of
those gazillion other sites where the USP might be
guaranteed lowest price or free overnight
delivery.
---
6. DEMOGRAPHIC MYOPIA
If I came to buy vacuum bags, do you really think
the black and red porn-palace motif is
appropriate? Do vacuum bags have another use I'm
not aware of? (Don't answer that!)
---
7. MORE IS LESS
Vacuum bags may be your life, but to us normal
people they're... well, vacuum bags. We don't want
a huge selection. We don't want to think. We don't
want colors, sizes, scents, textures, or frequent
flier miles. We just want some zero-hassle,
reasonably priced, work-like-they're-s'posta
vacuum bags. Got any of those?
---
8. LESS IS MORE
o Wrap some chains around your "Vacuum Bag
Buyers' Forum" and toss it overboard. Ditto
the headline news feed, the search engine
access, and the design award from the from
someone who can't even design an award.
o That blinking "Recommend This Website To Your
Friends" button might be more effective as a
blinking "Order Some Vacuum Bags And Get On
With Your Life" button.
o Oh, and thanks for the free email account
offer, but LindaCox@VacuumBagKingUSA.net
is a tad clunky for my needs.
---
9. SLIGHTLY ANAL WEBMASTER
Thank you for letting me know the best monitor
resolution for viewing your vacuum bag site.
That'll come in real handy when I'm trying to
think of the ninth dumb annoying thing about it.
---
10. ABRASIVE HOSPITALITY
Whoever told you it was important to be chatty and
clever with your visitors was yanking your mouse.
If you wanna build rapport, go stick your tongue
in someone's ear. If you wanna make a sale, sell.
---
So there it is... a few friendly insights from
Linda's Through-A-Goose School of Internet
Marketing.
It only applies to certain businesses, of course,
but don't be too hasty in assuming that yours
isn't one of them. If your stats show that most of
your hard-won visitors are heading out through the
in door, it might be time for a little stream-
lining.
Maybe then, through the mysterious forces of cyber-
alchemy, your website will be able to convert
vacuum bags into golden eggs!
About the Author
Linda Cox, J.A.M.G., went to sleep and dreamed she
was a butterfly. Now she wonders whether she's a
woman who dreamed she was a butterfly, or a
butterfly dreaming that it's Just Another
Marketing Guru.
More Linda:
http://www.LindaCox.com
